The Loving Goddess
by SmellMyFeet
Summary: The gang meets "the loving goddess".
1. Chapter 1

Donna, Eric, Fez, Hyde, Jackie, and Kelso were at a garage sale. They'd found a large, round table and were now sitting at it, a cloud of smoke billowing among them. Aside from Fez, they were all sitting in adult-sized chairs. Fez had gotten saddled with a pink chair clearly meant for a toddler.

At the height of her high, Donna asserted confidently, "If I meet someone who named herself Loving Goddess, I'm going to punch her!"

Hyde grinned hungrily. "Yeah, get her, girl!" A low and sexy growl erupted from his throat.

Eric smirked brazenly. "Yeah, right. You'd never hit a girl."

Jackie stared hard at him. "She's hit you," she pointed out.

"I'm not a girl. I'm a boy." Eric stood up, undid his pants, and showed his friends.

While gaping, Jackie exclaimed, "Eww, Eric, I did not want to see that! I'm going to have nightmares, and I can't have nightmares tonight! Tomorrow's the day the Ms. Princess Unicorn stuffed animal comes to stores."

Zipping up his pants, Eric muttered, "Well, sor-_ry_, Jackie!"

Pointing at Eric as he draped his elbow on the table, Kelso mused, "Since you showed us yours, Donna has to show us hers."

Fez nodded officially. "I am supportive of an American rule that states a woman must be topless in my presence."

Eric was grinning impishly. "How about someone give you guys a knuckle sandwich instead?"

Fez didn't back down. "I'm not scared."

Kelso swirled his hand then slapped it on the table. "Yeah, your knuckle sandwiches wouldn't scare a spider." He shook his head. "_Duh_, Eric."

"Not from me," Eric rolled his eyes gleefully.

Donna's hand shot out, getting Kelso then Fez.

"Ow," Fez muttered.

As Kelso clutched his eye, he grinned heartily. "Now take your top off!"

Donna yelped, "Get bent!" stood up, shoved Kelso's face against the table, and strode away, fuming.

Kelso lifted his head and stared at her vanishing silhouette. "What I say?"

Hyde placed his hand on Kelso's shoulder. "Well, Kelso, if a girl hits you, it means drop the topless talk…pronto."

"Well, why didn't she just say so? Man, women are so moody. I need a beer."


	2. Chapter 2

Jackie's pink princess alarm clock woke her up at 6AM. Her perfect nose wiggled as she rose to consciousness, and she automatically sucked the bit of drool forming at the corner of her lips back inside her mouth.

"Ms. Princess Unicorn," she muttered, rolling onto her other side then jerking awake, rubbing her throbbing temple. "Dang, it's early, but any pink princess unicorn is worth it."

She stood off the bed, knowing she was cute in her pink pajamas. Hell, she was cute in anything. Her reflection in her full-length mirror confirmed she was too cute and all the other girls were jealous.

"Hello, cuteness!" She twirled then ogled her butt. "Heavenly! Man, no wonder Michael and Steven want a piece of me." To herself, she muttered, "But Fez would do anybody, even Rhonda, so that's not a compliment."

She showered and dressed, putting on a rainbow-colored long-sleeved shirt and fluttery black skirt. She clipped the right side of her hair back with a barrette then snatched her purse and walked out the door.

The outdoor air woke her up better than her shower. Her lungs filled greedily with the clean air. Sighing happily, she pranced prettily down the streets of Point Place until she arrived at her destination—Florence Stuffed Cuddlys.

There was one girl ahead of her, waiting for the shop to open.

"Hi," the girl said, offering her hand. She was taller than Jackie—about 5'6. Her hair was brown and short, and her outfit consisted of a dark violet dress. She didn't make eye contact. "You waiting on the princess unicorn?"

"Ms. Princess Unicorn," Jackie announced. "Not _the_ princess unicorn. Ms.," but she shook the girl's hand anyway. "Jackie."

"Just call me Loving Goddess," the brunette purred.

"Holy crap!" Jackie gasped, withdrawing her hand instinctively as she gaped at the plain-faced girl. "My friend wants to beat you up."

Loving Goddess made a face. "Ugh, Jackie, your friend obviously doesn't know me then. I am a very sweet person. I'm multifaceted in my personalities, but my personality and bum are the same. In your face."

Blankly, Jackie asked, "What?"

"Never mind. Look, I want you to introduce me to your friend after we get the Ms. Princess Puff."

"Ms. Princess Unicorn."

"Oh, whatever. No one cares," Loving Goddess sneered. "It's a stupid name anyway."

"Then why do you want it?" Jackie challenged in a huff, folding her arms over her chest. "Ms. Princess Unicorn is the face of all that is good, girly, and pink. She's a girl, a princess, _and_ a pink unicorn!"

Loving Goddess rolled her eyes then uttered in a sweet, syrupy voice, "Sorry, Jackie, we got off on the wrong foot. You are a very beautiful girl, and I hope you would be a _doll_ and introduce me to this butt-kicking friend of yours. She will _love_ me."

"All I want is a Ms. Princess Unicorn."

Two giggling twelve-year-old girls wearing pink shirts and jeans came up behind them. One of the girls had a tiny pink butterfly clip in each side of her blonde hair. The other one had red hair pulled back in a French braid. Around each girl's neck was a necklace with half the shape of a heart. Together, the necklaces spelled "Best Friends".

"Are you guys here for the Ms. Princess Unicorn?" the blonde inquired curiously, a small smile on her mouth.

"Aww, you're so cute and little!" Loving Goddess declared, grabbing the blonde girl's cheeks in one hand and squeezing. The blonde kid was not amused. She jerked her head back and tried to rip her chin from Loving Goddess' death grip. Frowning, she pushed on Loving Goddess' ribs.

Loving Goddess freed her victim, and the kid muttered to her friend, "Women in their thirties are so clingy."

"I'm not thirty!" Loving Goddess insisted hotly. "I'm not even twenty yet."

The redhead gave her a blue-eyed stare. "No," and she pointed at Jackie, "_she's_ not twenty. You're almost forty."

"Would a forty-year-old be waiting for Mr. Prince Poopy-Pants?"

"It's Ms. Princess Unicorn," three female voices said in unison, Jackie's the loudest.

"Whatever!" Loving Goddess waved her arms in the air. "Sheesh. You'd think you people would care about something more important than a stupid puffy unicorn's name."

Folding her arms over her chest, the blonde kid asked, "If you don't care about her, why are you here?" She was steaming so visibly that even with her closed mouth, it was obvious she was grinding her teeth.

"Since when do stuffed animals have genders?" Shaking her head, Loving Goddess made a time-out sign with her hands. "Look, I'm sorry, guys. I love the Ms. Princess Bubblegum. I'm just cranky because I got up at 4AM."

"And we should feel sorry for you because…?" Jackie's left hand held her right elbow up, and with her right hand, she waved for Loving Goddess to continue.

"I'm only human. People make mistakes." Loving Goddess stared hard at Jackie, blotting out the twelve-year-olds. "You are so cute, it's freaky."

"I know, aren't I?" Jackie sighed.

"You must not have many friends. I bet all the other girls at your school are jealous of you."

"They so are! It's frustrating. I try to tone my cuteness down, but it isn't easy when you look like _this_." Jackie moved her hands up and down to display her figure.

"I bet you make girls eat themselves fat. Who can blame them?"

"You have no idea how hard it is. I'm almost always the only attractive one in the room. It can really isolate a girl."

"You poor thing!" Loving Goddess breathed, pressing her hand against her heart.

The redhead kid flipped Loving Goddess the bird. Shaking her head and pressing her nose against the younger girl's, Loving Goddess murmured, "You're too young to be doing that, young lady. Put it away."

"Forty," the redhead muttered disgustedly. Shaking her head much more vigorously than Loving Goddess, she grabbed her friend's shoulder and pulled her about ten feet away from the woman.

"Kids," Loving Goddess mused ruefully. "You try to help them grow up well, and they hate you for it. By the way, Jackie, I love your shirt."

"Oh, thank you! I got it from the mall. Every time you shop, an angel gets a set of wings."

"Ooh, I need to shop more!"

They smiled at each other. Jackie began to relax. This girl wasn't that bad.

"What's your real name?"

"It's not relevant," Loving Goddess announced hastily. "Everyone calls me 'Loving Goddess'. I make people happy, you know."

"Yeah. Well, I guess we all need some talent."

They continued a lighthearted conversation until the owner of Florence Stuffed Cuddlys came swaggering through the streets. She was a wide woman with a large butt, but Jackie, who normally hated fat and ugly people, was always happy around her. After all, the woman loved stuffed animals.

Swiping her graying bangs off her forehead, Florence smiled and waved at Jackie. "Hey, Jackie." Waddling up to the door, she unlocked it. Loving Goddess sighed loudly and impatiently as Florence wiggled through the door. The second she'd gotten inside, Loving Goddess ran in, bumping Florence with her shoulder.

"Hey, there's no need to push!" the older woman said. "There's four of you, and I have ten."

Jackie ambled into the room next, followed by the twelve-year-olds, and they all watched as Loving Goddess grabbed all ten of the Ms. Princess Unicorns and purchased them.

Jackie's mouth fell open. She waited for Loving Goddess to hand her one, but she didn't. Instead, she went outside and dumped all ten unicorns in the trunk of her red car.

"That bitch! Florence, are there any more?"

Florence shook her head sadly.

"Oh my God!" Jackie screeched. "What did she need ten for? She doesn't even _like_ Ms. Princess Unicorn!" BLEEP!


	3. Chapter 3

Jackie was too steamed to notice she was being followed. She marched to the Pinciottis' home, grabbed Donna, and pulled her onto the Formans' front doorstep.

"Donna, I am so steamed!" she growled in her pretty voice.

Donna stared at her unaffectedly. "Did they sell out of Ms. Fluffy Princess before you got there?"

"Ms. PRINCESS UNICORN! And no!" She took a strangled gulp of air. "This bitch bought all of them at once. The moment she got in the store. Oh, and guess what she called herself." Some of the fury left her voice as she arched her brow and stared knowingly at Donna.

"What?"

"Loving Goddess."

"And that's interesting because…?"

Disappointed and exasperated, Jackie grumbled, "Ugh, you don't remember. So much for using you as a weapon."

Just then, a tinkling laugh filled the air. Jackie looked up and scowled. Folding her arms over her chest, she rolled her eyes.

"You spoiled heiress," Loving Goddess simpered. "I took them to the children's hospital. You were going to keep yours from a sick kid."

Jackie made a face. "Whatever!"

"Is this your friend?" she asked, staring curiously at Donna. "Wait, was that little one your sister?"

"What little one?" Donna muttered.

"Donna doesn't _have_ a sister."

Dropping her hands to her hips, Loving Goddess declared coldly, "Well, if you're not related to her, the stereotype is true. Redheads have tempers."

Donna narrowed her eyes to slits. "Don't tempt me to use mine."

"How can you say you wanted to beat me up when you don't even _know_ me?" Loving Goddess cried.

Inquisitively, Donna turned toward Jackie.

"When we were on the stuff, you said if you met someone who called herself Loving Goddess, you'd beat her up."

"I don't remember that." Patting Jackie's shoulder, Donna murmured, "Congratulations."

"Oh, I wasn't on it. I was just pretending." Jackie stretched. "And that's what led to Eric showing us his…ew." She fanned her face. "I don't even want to think about it."

"Hello?" Loving Goddess called, waving her arms. "Yoo-hoo! I'm still here!"

"Feel free to leave," Donna grunted, leaning forward to swat a fly away from her leg.

Before Loving Goddess could reply, the door was opened behind them. Red stood scowling down at the red and black hair. "Don't you kids _ever_ go home? You live right next door." Then he noticed Loving Goddess sticking a hip out and staring hard at him, her face a mask of displeasure. "And now you've dragged a forty-year-old on my property. Oh, you girls are lucky I don't stick my foot up both your asses at once!" and he slammed the door furiously.

"I am _not_ forty!" Loving Goddess yelled.

"Well, you're not twenty anymore, honey," Donna muttered. Rubbing the sides of her eyes, she said, "You're aging here, and here…" her hand trailed to her forehead.

"Oh, shut up. You never even met me, and you wanted to beat me up! If you knew me, you'd love me." Loving Goddess tucked her hair behind her ear and scowled hard at Donna.

"So far, I think you're terrific," Donna replied sarcastically. "How's being a hag work for you?"

"I am not a hag! I am eighteen!" Loving Goddess announced hotly.

Glancing at Jackie, Donna muttered, "Premature aging."

"Well," Loving Goddess uttered snidely, "I'll bet _you've_ never given anything to the children's hospital."

"Actually, I have," Donna replied. To herself, she thought there was no way Loving Goddess took the toys to the hospital. Clearly, she had followed Jackie from Florence Stuffed Cuddlys.

"Oh," and Loving Goddess' eyes shone with something Donna couldn't place. "We've gotten off on the wrong foot," she uttered hastily, sticking her hand out. "I'm Loving Goddess."

"Donna," but the redhead didn't take the offered hand.

"I love your hair. Most girls don't have red hair…so. You like volunteering?"

"Sometimes."

"Wow, that is so nice of you. You must be a wonderful person, Donna."

Donna turned to Jackie and gave her a skeptical look. Jackie shrugged then glowered nastily at Loving Goddess.

"I promise you, Donna," Loving Goddess simpered, "we're going to be the best of friends!"


End file.
